Put your hand out

I’ve given up before

I’ve lost it all

I died and came back again

I’ve been cleansed by pain

Got fat and lame

Been beat till I learned to win

I was never real. I wasn’t really here

I was always in heaven and hell

Here is my hand

Can you feel its warmth and deformity

My strength and my gentle touch

The burns and grease

I’ve fucked up before

I found my

love again by breathing in and out slowly

I learned to control my breath before I learned to control mind

I learned to control my mind by learning to ride a wave.

When you’ve been so drunk you go to singoecularity it’s hard

To forget that a smile is all we ever have that is ours or free

Lost child (work in progress)

Childhood in dreams

is a home of love’s abundance

Pinata full and burst

Fresh tortillas and chicken hot leftover

Chewy pink candies under bubbling

Grins and dancing feet

We knew no childhood

You and I

We were little once

We were weak and human together

I remember you. I saw you. I loved you

Bastard orphan twins with blonde

Hair and blue eyes

Wearing each one sandal

Hand in hand, naked starved

Smiling and speaking, Spanish

For each other’s hope, for my hope

Each time I hoped for god or love

I hoped for your smiles

dead children or living children

I have carried you for a life time

Meek and powerless children

I’ve sacrificed soul in exchange

For mercy, for you

The least of us

To know home

To know freedom

To know justice

To know love

But no one answers

No one takes the trade

No one looks up

I try to grab them and shake them

Slap them awake but my hands go through them like shadow wind

My voice doesn’t reach help

or power’s mule ears

God has died with you, childhood

Inside me, his corpse festers and wets

into yours. I am the burial ground

of hope or love. I am sand or dirt

***

I see their little laughy smiles

Their dark eyes and dark skin

Shiny and beautiful black hair

They come to me in the foodline

They ask for hugs or food or aqua

They beg for a mother

They cry for a Padre

They call me auntie

they call me Crackhead’s daughter

They call me missionary’s bastard

They call for me

They call for me

They call for me

Anita, Anita, they cry

But I can’t find them

I look in abandoned buildings

But they are barred and guards

Stand with guns and badges. The windows boarded and doors locked

I pound on the door

I pound on the door

No one comes to answer

I pound the invisible line

I call out matching numbers

I search the scrub and desert

With water and GPS

I find little bits of white bone, rifle cartridges and lizard men who

Have no heaven or shame

In forgien made pickup trucks

Protecting sand forgetting

Self or right or familia

They are running

They are running

Until they are all run down

they come to me in my nightmares

They call me war machine

They call me fat white pig

The call me Jesus’ fast

They call me Maria’s burden

But I cannot not find them

in light of day

In the darkness of night

thick smoke hides

Are those the flickering eyes

Or fire flies

In the tent cities

In the dirt streets

In the slaver’s workhouse

In prison cell

I search but no one seems

To see or hear or touch or know

Lost child

Lost childhood

I am searching

I am calling out

Mr., sir, lady of the scale

Give back the empathy

Give back the humanity

Please, lady liberty

Da me los bebes

Sometimes I wish

Sometimes I wish I could go back to my

Younger self and yell at her, “Don’t hold back”

Rip onto those son of bitches who try to intimidate and stomp your dreams. Bitch smack the mother fuckers who wants to make you feel small or stupid because they want your vagina on their dick and make you think that they are smart and better Beat the shit out of the ass fuck disrepectful Toejams that use your intelligence as their own.

Be confident in your place. In your body. In your mind. Be real and fierce
I’d tell her, you are too good for this world so rebuild a new world, mother, creator of armies and civilizations

Don’t hide your sword in your panties

Take it out and hold it high above your head

But she wouldn’t listen
She’d call me fat and stab me in the back

My Husband is time

My husband is a not real
He is my fantasy.
I made this world
In a sweet slumber
after drinking the last
of summer’s rations
Where I am loved so well
And kissed so tenderly
With the scent of cardamom and orange
his touch of warmth and electricity
He is a God with a magic penis
That can stop time and suspend gravity

Some strange luck loops
Has stopped war and given

me this dream life and his to share

I am day dreaming girl
sleeping in a dirt tent

if you find me
do not wake me

there are dark shadows
in my world.
I am fighting in a war
on the wrong side of a line

With a broken foot and a belly wound

I don’t make it out of here alive
this dream is all I’ll know of time or love

Drop dirt or petals if you must

Hopeful

We could not teach you love.

We tried but you broke us

We could not make our value stick

You had no way, Dead Boy
What hell or fucked fit frothed you mind

To such shame and depravity?

***
Let me give a little advice for anyone who’s mind fucks them to kill innocent people. Don’t listen. I’m glad I could cure that up for you.

Trust me.
It’s easier not to do
something than doing it.

None of your people think you, Dead Boys, are awesome. The people think the worst of you
You always go after innocence, beautiful little childern with big smiles, stunning women with long legs and good hard working fathers wearing blue jeans. It’s never some wacko sick son of bitch that deserves it

It has no honor. Only agony and disgust deep down thick puking repulsion so hard the people are hopeful for hell and to be there to see you in it

Years in other

I didn’t realize how sexist I was

Until recently

I thought I was radical. And maybe I was

After all I wore a blazer and read Virginia Wolf and smoked hand rolled cigarettes

While speaking metered stoicism

Hunched in hall ways where I leaned in

Whispering self agency

While all along believing

Male ment strength.

And only some women were strong

It was nature I said

I didn’t believe
all women are strong
as Fuck