Most of my writing is shit

Lately. It’s because

I’ve been self loathing

And it’s not good to write

Depressed.

Ok. I’m not depressed. I’m lonely

For people I never see. I’m lonely for the years before my mother was sick

When I had a friend in this world

Besides Henry

He never needs anyone

He has it all figured out

He drinks his vodka and passes out

Maybe in the morning we’ll make love

If he feels like it

If not I’ll make crepes and bacon

And he’ll be happy enough

To make it out of another week

Sometimes I write when I’m going through some shit

And it makes me feel better.

I dont know what I am supposed to say

Anymore. None of it makes me feel

Better.

Everyone is breaking. Everyone is trying to hide

Until summer is over

Until it’s all over

Burnt out

You fight and kill at each others’
freedoms and limbs cuz the anger
tricks you to whip and slave
To nazi and to Jew
To rock over the bus and light it
on fire
before you can climb out, dear

I have watched from inside the house
humming and singing as the pie bakes, the meat roasts
kissing fat babies and embracing our existence
living in a dream world full of coffee and poetry
painting and folding clothes, living a fantasy
of soft fluffy puppies and beautiful cloths drape around
my fat and happy body

You are so busy destroying
Yourselves that you don’t realize
You are building a wall of dead bodies around yourself
You have imprisoned yourselves with the ahes of families
Willingly you take your clothes off and fold them in a neat pile,
put your gold in the heap and sit
in the poisonous gas of your putrefaction
The great experiment has become how fast you can kill yourselves

Damn it -throw down the gun from her temple
The lady was given to you on the day you were born

And now you can’t wait to grab her by the pussy,
lock her to the pillars of your bed
rape her and then burn her down

And well, her blood is coming from her whatever
It is all over you
Sticky and hot
you can’t move in the vicious thick stink

Ive seen the plains flooded in a nightmare

Dropping bombs on the prairie and flash the shore
Each night I vision of your war
You kill for coin lust
in the morning
I cradle your babies, dead
And rotten, I sing lullabies to your young covered in blood,
sand slips and slides, so do you child
climb into the camel’s eye and hide
sand slips and slides to the other side

The shadows come and whisper in my ear
and show me the horrors you commit
In the name of thirst and hunger

They give me the spoon and force
me to stir the generations of
Broken bodies so I can read
the signs until now, now I’ve learned to stoicallylove war and peace,

the swing up and the fall down
The faster it be done I cry as the warning call.
I scream until I’m hoarse slinging my spoon faster and stronger, to see your future doom human

The outsiders looking down have come to eat
Limb by foot and finger, ass and cunt they eat

You pray out but god has abandoned
you with a bet with the devil
god has bet against you
He has grown tired of your use
Dived into the mouth of giant black
worm in the center of your universe
he has been torn apart and now is falling out
creating existence elsewhere by reusining yours apart
He has cursed you to kill yourself
He has given you to evil.
He has force my mouth to me tell you
Enslaved my hand to hold the mirror to your undoing
He has given me the evil eye
and made me swallow it to
burn me out to see, your doom

by your own hand you die and live
by your own heart you will be loved
by your own hate you will hearth
by your own frost you will have lost

The snake shadows are fucking you.
And soon dear, they’ll fuck you dead.
I am the sibyl you do not kill; I’m already beheaded.
I am the dove on the wind of the wilderness
Suffocated with honey and locust
Heed my dead song – only you can save yourself
Only you can love the shadows
out and beat the evil to dust

The Hardest thing

The hardest thing
is to live with love and kindness
in a cruebullshitworld
I am an atheist so I believe in kindness
And love not because of what is to come
But what is. I am is
Every day I am reminded of my frailty
And temporary status by the pain
That burns my heart and body

I am doing all
I can to stay kind
Anger and pain trick me
somedays I want to die too
The abyss, the last breath
Seems both terrifying and reassuring
At least I don’t have to worry
About forever
My body, fat and aging and full of pain
Is all I have. It has mostly bad sides
If I am touched it hurts
If I wake up it hurts
If I walk it hurts
I have lost all hope of not being in hurts
I have accepted it
It has made me free
I dress how I like. I laugh how I want.
I live how I like
And say what I want

If I feel like it, I say fuck you dog shit liar
And if I feel like it, I say, I love you dog shit liar
I know what is mine
my time, my love, my life

I don’t know if you own yours
or
If you are still trying to become some other time
I could tell you, don’t waste yours
Feeling less than -It’s your brain sucking you
But it’s your choice and sometimes necessary
you are dog shit, after all
You are a dumb dumb. You’ve proved it.
Who isn’t? Who hasn’t ?
Don’t worry if you hate yourself
You probably have good reason
Most of us do
Just accept your a fuckturd
And go from there
The important thing you must
Consider is what kind of you, you’re in
if your going to wear stonewalled brutal you
Or are you going to allow love
space inside your body?
It hurts you, at first, just so you know
And you will have panic attacks
And you will lash out at those around you
You may attempt to take your life
Or run away to another town
And maybe you will
And maybe you’ll find a better job or lover
Or view and a minute
You’ll be able to breathe in your body
And feel the earth between your toes
Just maybe the fear will lessen long
Enough for some love to get in
Some kindness to shuffle to the front
Or a smile widen across your body
And in that moment breathe
Just breathe you in
This is you
Then, look out and see us
The forests and dogs
The 13 lined squirrels and corn flowers
The creeping Charlie and the crows
We are hard and uneven, like you
Breathing here too
Learning to love here too
Sometimes failing here too

Please be gentle with
Your existence.

Press it lightly on
With us
And witness the spec of time we are

The lake Superior

Is cold. You shouldn’t go near.

Don’t even put a toe in her

You like it hot. Stay on the sand

Or better – get in your car

And drive south. Drive to

Orlando, fl. Maybe take a boat

to Naples. Shit, you’ll love it there.

so warm, like a bathtub.

If you put your body in the Lake

Superior, you’ll panic. The cold will

Make you numb. It’ll kill you

Get out of it while you can

Get out of the u.p.

Get fuck out of my home

Before you

Start to love cool weather

And meet a lover on the beach

In November with barefeet

And fall in bliss, and stay forever

Put your hand out

I’ve given up before

I’ve lost it all

I died and came back again

I’ve been cleansed by pain

Got fat and lame

Been beat till I learned to win

I was never real. I wasn’t really here

I was always in heaven and hell

Here is my hand

Can you feel its warmth and deformity

My strength and my gentle touch

The burns and grease

I’ve fucked up before

I found my

love again by breathing in and out slowly

I learned to control my breath before I learned to control mind

I learned to control my mind by learning to ride a wave.

When you’ve been so drunk you go to singoecularity it’s hard

To forget that a smile is all we ever have that is ours or free

Lost child (work in progress)

Childhood in dreams

is a home of love’s abundance

Pinata full and burst

Fresh tortillas and chicken hot leftover

Chewy pink candies under bubbling

Grins and dancing feet

We knew no childhood

You and I

We were little once

We were weak and human together

I remember you. I saw you. I loved you

Bastard orphan twins with blonde

Hair and blue eyes

Wearing each one sandal

Hand in hand, naked starved

Smiling and speaking, Spanish

For each other’s hope, for my hope

Each time I hoped for god or love

I hoped for your smiles

dead children or living children

I have carried you for a life time

Meek and powerless children

I’ve sacrificed soul in exchange

For mercy, for you

The least of us

To know home

To know freedom

To know justice

To know love

But no one answers

No one takes the trade

No one looks up

I try to grab them and shake them

Slap them awake but my hands go through them like shadow wind

My voice doesn’t reach help

or power’s mule ears

God has died with you, childhood

Inside me, his corpse festers and wets

into yours. I am the burial ground

of hope or love. I am sand or dirt

***

I see their little laughy smiles

Their dark eyes and dark skin

Shiny and beautiful black hair

They come to me in the foodline

They ask for hugs or food or aqua

They beg for a mother

They cry for a Padre

They call me auntie

they call me Crackhead’s daughter

They call me missionary’s bastard

They call for me

They call for me

They call for me

Anita, Anita, they cry

But I can’t find them

I look in government’s buildings

But they are barred and guards

Stand with guns and badges. The windows boarded and doors locked

I pound on the door

I pound on the door

No one comes to answer

I pound the invisible line

I call out matching numbers

I search the scrub and desert

With water and GPS

I find little bits of white bone, rifle cartridges and lizard men who

Have no heaven or shame

In forgien made pickup trucks

Protecting sand forgetting

Self or right or familia

They are running

They are running

Until they are all run down

they come to me in my nightmares

They call me war machine

They call me fat white pig

The call me Jesus’ fast

They call me Maria’s burden

But I cannot not find them

in light of day

In the darkness of night

thick smoke hides

Are those the flickering eyes

Or fire flies

In the tent cities

In the dirt streets

In the slaver’s workhouse

In prison cell

I search but no one seems

To see or hear or touch or know

Lost child

Lost childhood

I am searching

I am calling out

Mr., sir, lady of the scale

Give back the empathy

Give back the humanity

Please, lady liberty

Da me los bebes