The Hardest thing

The hardest thing
is to live with love and kindness
in a cruebullshitworld
I am an atheist so I believe in kindness
And love not because of what is to come
But what is. I am is
Every day I am reminded of my frailty
And temporary status by the pain
That burns my heart and body

I am doing all
I can to stay kind
Anger and pain trick me
somedays I want to die too
The abyss, the last breath
Seems both terrifying and reassuring
At least I don’t have to worry
About forever
My body, fat and aging and full of pain
Is all I have. It has mostly bad sides
If I am touched it hurts
If I wake up it hurts
If I walk it hurts
I have lost all hope of not being in hurts
I have accepted it
It has made me free
I dress how I like. I laugh how I want.
I live how I like
And say what I want

If I feel like it, I say fuck you dog shit liar
And if I feel like it, I say, I love you dog shit liar
I know what is mine
my time, my love, my life

I don’t know if you own yours
or
If you are still trying to become some other time
I could tell you, don’t waste yours
Feeling less than -It’s your brain sucking you
But it’s your choice and sometimes necessary
you are dog shit, after all
You are a dumb dumb. You’ve proved it.
Who isn’t? Who hasn’t ?
Don’t worry if you hate yourself
You probably have good reason
Most of us do
Just accept your a fuckturd
And go from there
The important thing you must
Consider is what kind of you, you’re in
if your going to wear stonewalled brutal you
Or are you going to allow love
space inside your body?
It hurts you, at first, just so you know
And you will have panic attacks
And you will lash out at those around you
You may attempt to take your life
Or run away to another town
And maybe you will
And maybe you’ll find a better job or lover
Or view and a minute
You’ll be able to breathe in your body
And feel the earth between your toes
Just maybe the fear will lessen long
Enough for some love to get in
Some kindness to shuffle to the front
Or a smile widen across your body
And in that moment breathe
Just breathe you in
This is you
Then, look out and see us
The forests and dogs
The 13 lined squirrels and corn flowers
The creeping Charlie and the crows
We are hard and uneven, like you
Breathing here too
Learning to love here too
Sometimes failing here too

Please be gentle with
Your existence.

Press it lightly on
With us
And witness the spec of time we are

On Christmas past

The Christmas lights on my tree

            twinkle, unnecessarily. 

Its all I have kept of tradition

You never put me right

Maybe you tried  

Maybe you loved me

But that’s not enough

Your love can’t cover up your abuse
I’m not a little child. But I’m still vulnerable 

I admit it.  I’m at accepting 

I can’t live for you
I’m not sorry.  

You wanted me to carry you

Like a pointless backpack of rocks

like a bucket of shit  

sloshing on top of my head

I was your surefooted mule

I took pride in how much I could carry

For you

I’ve put it down 

The bible, the apologizing, the pride,  shame,

And now – the fear and bucket of hate.

I’ve given up being the ass
Its no longer my surprise

I’m not passing it on or boxing it up

Or hiding it in the basement

Wrapped tight for later
You fucked up

You 

fucked 

up

you carry it

  

 

A Damning or Blessing

20161215_110125You fight and kill at each others’
freedoms and limbs cuz the anger
tricks you to whip and slave
To nazi and to Jew
To rock over the bus and light it
on fire before you climb out, dear you
I have watched from inside the house
humming and singing as the pie bakes, the meat roasts kissing fat babies and embracing your existence living in a dream world full of coffee and poetry, painting and folding clothes, living a fantasy of soft fluffy puppies and beautiful cloths drape around my fat and happy body

But you are so busy destroying
Yourselves that you don’t realize
You are building a wall of dead bodies around yourself

You have imprisoned yourselves with your lifeless families

Willingly you take your clothes off and fold them in a neat pile
put your gold in the heap and sit
in the poisonous gas of your putrefaction, meditating
The great experiment has begun and you hurry to see how fast you can kill yourselves

The speed you do it is hard to keep up with

Damn it -throw down the gun from her temple
Lady liberty  was given to you on the day you were born

And now you can’t wait to grab her by the pussy
lock her to the pillars of your bed
rape her and then burn her down And well her blood is coming from her whatever
It is all over you -Sticky and hot
you can’t move in the vicious thick stink
Ive seen the plains in a nightmare
Dropping bombs on the prairie and flash the shore for
Each night I vision of your war
You kill for coin lust
in the morning
I cradle your babies, dead
And rotten, I sing lullabies to your young covered in blood,
sand slips and slides, so do you child
climb into the camel’s eye and hide
sand slips and slides to the other side

The shadows come and whisper in my ear
and show me the horrors you commit
In the name of thirst and hunger

They give me the spoon and force
me to stir the generations of
Broken bodies so I can read
the signs until now, now I’ve learned to stoically
love war and peace, the swing up and the fall down
The faster it be done I cry as the warning call.
I scream until I’m hoarse slinging my spoon
Faster and stronger, to see your future self doom human

The outsiders looking down have come to eat
Limb by foot and finger, ass and cunt they eat
You pray out but the gods have abandoned
you with a bet with the devils

They have bet against you
They have grown tired of your abuse
Dived into the mouth of giant black
worm in the center of your universe
They have been torn apart and now are falling out creating existence elsewhere by tearing yours apart
They have cursed you to kill yourself
They have given you to evil.
They force my mouth to me tell you
Enslaved my hand to hold the mirror of your undoing
They have  given me the evil eye
and made me swallow it to
burn me out as I speak your doom

by your own hand you die and live
by your own heart you will be loved
by your own hate you will hearth
by your own frost you will have lost

The snake shadows are fucking you.
And soon dear, they’ll fuck you dead.
I am the sibyl you do not kill; I’m already beheaded.
I am the dove on the wind of the wilderness
Suffocated with honey and locust
Heed my dead song – only you can save yourself
Only you can love the shadows
out or beat the blood lust to dust