My husband is a not real
He is my fantasy.
I made this world
In a sweet slumber
after drinking the last
of summer’s rations
Where I am loved so well
And kissed so tenderly
With the scent of cardamom and orange
his touch of warmth and electricity
He is a God with a magic penis
That can stop time and suspend gravity
Some strange luck loops
Has stopped war and given
me this dream life and his to share
I am day dreaming girl
sleeping in a dirt tent
if you find me
do not wake me
there are dark shadows
in my world.
I am fighting in a war
on the wrong side of a line
With a broken foot and a belly wound
I don’t make it out of here alive
this dream is all I’ll know of time or love
Drop dirt or petals if you must
You have been in your head too much
this doesn’t work for you
You are a doer. You must stay busy and engaged
Right now, you are not. You are tired and in pain
Your mouth is dry, your skin is dry. It is cold outside
…You’re an idiot.
I’m bored of this already
This needs to be erased
I need to go for a walk
Off a cliff. dive into a dream of cold water
I want summer in Lake Superior
I want her freedom
Her sweet clean air
It is winter. White and dirty and grey
I slept like shit again last night.
My neck hurts. Blah
That is what I feel like
Blah blah blah
I am wasting my living
I am giving it all, for what I can’t grass anymore
The greatest painter to ever paint
Made sure to fuzzy the line
Where one ended and another began
That is what I am trying with your love
This is not the poem I want to write
The poem I want to write is about taking
care of one another
But that poem is boring and nice
It is too polite for us
What the hell are we doing?
Why are we not fucking?
Must I beg for your cock in my mouth?
You are doing dishes and Im pretty
sure you have fever too
Both of the girls do.
I can barely stand. We are dizzy
And puking and coughing and shitting
But you are doing the dishes
You come and check on us
bring water from the other side
of the universe and those cool magic pills.
Yesterday I went to store
and got a bunch of groceries.
you were sleeping and had a fever.
Then I cleaned.
Brought you some pills
And helped the girls.
We take care of each other.
When people complain about being married
I want to say, have you tried sucking his dick?
Maybe if you give it all
maybe the someone else
will give it all back to you
Somethings don’t have to be said
I know that all humans are not bad
But I have a hard time fingerings out the good ones
I don’t trust my ability fully.
There is always something I can miss
This uncertainty is my armor
I try to keep one foot on the ground
And one hand on my pistol
I not going to put up with bullshit
Its nothing personal, you understand?
It just, you see, I don’t know
how long I have to live
It may end soon or something
so I don’t want to waste any time
on bullshit -You get it
You’ve wasted time on bullshit
I see it on your face
The Christmas lights on my tree
Its all I have kept of tradition
You never put me right
Maybe you tried
Maybe you loved me
But that’s not enough
Your love can’t cover up your abuse
I’m not a little child. But I’m still vulnerable
I admit it. I’m at accepting
I can’t live for you
I’m not sorry.
You wanted me to carry you
Like a pointless backpack of rocks
like a bucket of shit
sloshing on top of my head
I was your surefooted mule
I took pride in how much I could carry
I’ve put it down
The bible, the apologizing, the pride, shame,
And now – the fear and bucket of hate.
I’ve given up being the ass
Its no longer my surprise
I’m not passing it on or boxing it up
Or hiding it in the basement
Wrapped tight for later
You fucked up
you carry it
I’m trying real hard but I can’t find any warm cocks or juicy pussies or even busted lips or bloody blisters
In the books
That you gave me
Not even a dried lily or a dead bug
Just paper with words
And more words
I like words a lot -I do- I live in them
But sometimes I need more than words
Sometimes I’d like my hand held
or some jasmine green tea in a big cup
What I am saying is I miss dancing with you
Dancing alone isn’t all bad in a pinch
But I always pretend you are dancing with me
And that is pathetic
Dancing in sync with you is ancient earth magic
We are mirrors, cracked and smudged on cheap beer and old patterns, strange magnets
spinning each other on
I walk with love
As I walk through the sea of good
people and country
I hold love for all life
I am not angry or afraid or confused
I know why I am here
I love my life inside of you and I love you
my free lady, the greatest poetry billowing