My Husband is time

My husband is a not real
He is my fantasy.
I made this world
In a sweet slumber
after drinking the last
of summer’s rations
Where I am loved so well
And kissed so tenderly
With the scent of cardamom and orange
his touch of warmth and electricity
He is a God with a magic penis
That can stop time and suspend gravity

Some strange luck loops
Has stopped war and given

me this dream life and his to share

I am day dreaming girl
sleeping in a dirt tent

if you find me
do not wake me

there are dark shadows
in my world.
I am fighting in a war
on the wrong side of a line

With a broken foot and a belly wound

I don’t make it out of here alive
this dream is all I’ll know of time or love

Drop dirt or petals if you must

Wash your face

Somethings don’t have to be said

I know that all humans are not bad

But I have a hard time fingerings out the good ones

I don’t trust my ability fully. 

 There is always something I can miss

This uncertainty is my armor 

I try to keep one foot on the ground

And one hand on my pistol 

I not going to put up with bullshit

Its nothing personal, you understand?

It just, you see, I don’t know

how long I have to live

It may end soon or something

so I don’t want to waste any time

on bullshit -You get it

You’ve wasted time on bullshit

I see it on your face

On Christmas past

The Christmas lights on my tree

            twinkle, unnecessarily. 

Its all I have kept of tradition

You never put me right

Maybe you tried  

Maybe you loved me

But that’s not enough

Your love can’t cover up your abuse
I’m not a little child. But I’m still vulnerable 

I admit it.  I’m at accepting 

I can’t live for you
I’m not sorry.  

You wanted me to carry you

Like a pointless backpack of rocks

like a bucket of shit  

sloshing on top of my head

I was your surefooted mule

I took pride in how much I could carry

For you

I’ve put it down 

The bible, the apologizing, the pride,  shame,

And now – the fear and bucket of hate.

I’ve given up being the ass
Its no longer my surprise

I’m not passing it on or boxing it up

Or hiding it in the basement

Wrapped tight for later
You fucked up

You 

fucked 

up

you carry it

  

 

As A Child I Did Childhood Things 

As a child

I did childhood things

I packed a small bag of clothes

A journal, my one-eyed doll

and fled from war

The fireworks popped houses off the streets

Shattered and exploded

I hide among the debris

When I was raped and beaten

I was the cold mud and the roots

beneath my body, rustic roads

The maggots of the dead were my citizens

The worms, the trains

My blood, the smoke from the chimneys

In the darkness of the ghetto street

I was a ninja in a forgein land

guarded by red branches hiding

as the gun shots ran on window glass

I snuck across the ground under abandoned cars

hid behind old burnt out homes

Flipped over piss stained mattress

A child with missing sneakers

had penny candy by his side

with a bullet in his brain

So I took his candy and savored the sweetness

as I hid in a mulberry tree until the hungry blue

zombies came and went

When my belly was swollen and empty and my back

bare I was a monkey girl and searched

for apple’s and pears and blackberries and goose berries

I scavenged wild morel mushrooms and dandelions and greens

I sucked up tiny green sour grapes

I climbed and swung

when I found a fruit I’d eat

the core and worms and all

If I fell and got bloodied, I hid it

It was a curse. I didn’t limp

When I found nothing to eat

And a warm AK 47 in my hands

I was a great hero

when I killed the hawk men

and freed my homeland

The people would throw me a feast of roasted

venison and turkey and pies and cakes

With juices and butter and sweet red wines

with songs and dances with large walls and warm fires

I’d have a dry warm safe bed one day,

I would have people, I dreamed as I aimed into battle

felt the sting and pound of the ground

And my fallen brothers coming at me

In the winter snow with frozen toes inside plastic bags

I was the first to explore so far north

I followed the smell of bear and stole into old ice caves

I made a house under the great pines

broke the ice and fished with my hair and beer can

I followed the river and stole north

I stole bitter acorns from squirrels

when I found a dead thing it did not go to waste

Covered in scraps of lost artifacts

I was the last of my exploration party

My one armed doll chewed and rotten

my journal wet and dirty showed the map of my trail

well beyond where dragons or fairies ever go

I pushed on until the trail softened underfoot,

There I stepped into sinking brown mud

grasping for the first of wild leeks,

with rocks in my in mouth

I was beaten with bondage

I was warrior captured

forced to labor for the enemy

I would not shame self by crying out

When the demon goats shoved me in a bag

And throw me in the back of a pickup truck

I did not panic like the screaming

children under me

I found the seam and breathed slow

I did not cry for help

I saved my energy for the chance to run

when I had it, I ran in the shadows

barefoot with only the rope

that bound my hands behind my back

I ran til the city was new

and my legs strong enough

to kill and the rope a bracelet of freedom

I stole food and shoes and diamonds and life

I was a master spy behind enemy lines

I stole until I had enough to find home

In middle of a concrete street

I gave birth to a blue dead jar

it was a tiny fluffy head SOS sent out to sea

riding the waves and currents to bring back aid

It’s dark eyes searching for an island of refuge

a man of honor

When it came again and lived I hid it

and gave it all I could

I gave pieces of myself for coins

to buy it blanket and food

I gave everything

still, I sent it out to sea

Four times I sent an SOS

Until my blood found the riptides and the sea turtles

met the mermaid queen on the corral of the sea

When the sickness came

I could not walk, my knees swelled

my body ached and my scalp was a drum

for the great wolf chief to beat with his tail

I was poisoned by the evil hound

who wanted me for his bone

Under his jagged teeth

I pounded my fists into his mouth

I splintered and my marrow filled his belly

Covered in dirt, wearing lice

I walked hand and hand with my sister

With one miss matched sandal each and bone thin

I was blessed and happy

When the nights were cold I was her blanket

And She, my pillow

We ate avocados and little fish

when luck and pennies were on our side

We were best friends, ladies on a stroll

In the darkness I heard her scream

I tried to hold onto her

Her finger nails dug into my body

Tore my flesh

her hair was in my clenched fists

Her blood under my nails

the dark shadow lizard

Dragged her away screaming

and left me alone in our rock pile home

I was in the shadow of a great temple

writing my name with my wand

To bless the yellow dirt
when a blast went hard and heavy

I could not hear but the ringing of ice cream truck

At the park where children yelled and played

I could taste the metal in mouth

concrete and salt in my flesh

I was buried under the rubble

the stick still in my hand I was a wizard

becoming all powerful but first I had to fall

through the black hole to other side

and find the evil wizard

who had blasted my temple

let blood magic into the world

I had no hair, on a sheet

I laid hooked up to robots

my body shook with cold sweat ache

The vomit came out my mouth

shit and piss was cold and sore on my body

My eyes could not focus

Blurry and heavy all around me was tiny grey

hands holding me down

I could smell their copper and plastic spaceships

The aliens were inside me

trying to harvest my body

I had to fight so I made a clone of myself

climbed in my nose and slayed the creatures

until I could no longer

badly wounded I found my heart

kicked it when slowed

I kicked until my legs fell off

then I punched until my arms rotted off

Then I head butted and finally bit

Until their beeps and buzzing stopped

I could not feel myself

I was no longer a child

And On

I’m trying real hard but I can’t find any warm cocks or juicy pussies or even busted lips or bloody blisters
In the books
That you gave me
Not even a dried lily or a dead bug
Just paper with words
And more words
I like words a lot -I do- I live in them
But sometimes I need more than words
Sometimes I’d like my hand held
or some jasmine green tea in a big cup
I guess
What I am saying is I miss dancing with you
Dancing alone isn’t all bad in a pinch
But I always pretend you are dancing with me
And that is pathetic
Dancing in sync with you is ancient earth magic
We are mirrors, cracked and smudged on cheap beer and old patterns, strange magnets
spinning each other on

A Damning or Blessing

20161215_110125You fight and kill at each others’
freedoms and limbs cuz the anger
tricks you to whip and slave
To nazi and to Jew
To rock over the bus and light it
on fire before you climb out, dear you
I have watched from inside the house
humming and singing as the pie bakes, the meat roasts kissing fat babies and embracing your existence living in a dream world full of coffee and poetry, painting and folding clothes, living a fantasy of soft fluffy puppies and beautiful cloths drape around my fat and happy body

But you are so busy destroying
Yourselves that you don’t realize
You are building a wall of dead bodies around yourself

You have imprisoned yourselves with your lifeless families

Willingly you take your clothes off and fold them in a neat pile
put your gold in the heap and sit
in the poisonous gas of your putrefaction, meditating
The great experiment has begun and you hurry to see how fast you can kill yourselves

The speed you do it is hard to keep up with

Damn it -throw down the gun from her temple
Lady liberty  was given to you on the day you were born

And now you can’t wait to grab her by the pussy
lock her to the pillars of your bed
rape her and then burn her down And well her blood is coming from her whatever
It is all over you -Sticky and hot
you can’t move in the vicious thick stink
Ive seen the plains in a nightmare
Dropping bombs on the prairie and flash the shore for
Each night I vision of your war
You kill for coin lust
in the morning
I cradle your babies, dead
And rotten, I sing lullabies to your young covered in blood,
sand slips and slides, so do you child
climb into the camel’s eye and hide
sand slips and slides to the other side

The shadows come and whisper in my ear
and show me the horrors you commit
In the name of thirst and hunger

They give me the spoon and force
me to stir the generations of
Broken bodies so I can read
the signs until now, now I’ve learned to stoically
love war and peace, the swing up and the fall down
The faster it be done I cry as the warning call.
I scream until I’m hoarse slinging my spoon
Faster and stronger, to see your future self doom human

The outsiders looking down have come to eat
Limb by foot and finger, ass and cunt they eat
You pray out but the gods have abandoned
you with a bet with the devils

They have bet against you
They have grown tired of your abuse
Dived into the mouth of giant black
worm in the center of your universe
They have been torn apart and now are falling out creating existence elsewhere by tearing yours apart
They have cursed you to kill yourself
They have given you to evil.
They force my mouth to me tell you
Enslaved my hand to hold the mirror of your undoing
They have  given me the evil eye
and made me swallow it to
burn me out as I speak your doom

by your own hand you die and live
by your own heart you will be loved
by your own hate you will hearth
by your own frost you will have lost

The snake shadows are fucking you.
And soon dear, they’ll fuck you dead.
I am the sibyl you do not kill; I’m already beheaded.
I am the dove on the wind of the wilderness
Suffocated with honey and locust
Heed my dead song – only you can save yourself
Only you can love the shadows
out or beat the blood lust to dust